Do you constantly seek approval from others and find it hard to set boundaries? Understanding the roots of people-pleasing is the first step to reclaiming your time and energy. This is part one of a five-part series on people-pleasing behavior and how to overcome it to live your best life.
Ellen grew up with busy working parents who came home exhausted each night. She tried to keep quiet because she didn’t want her parents to fight. She knew how to make her dad’s favorite cocktail. She helped her mom get dinner on the table and ran to the store when they needed something. She did whatever she could to help things run smoothly, but it never seemed to be enough. Her parents would end up fighting, and Ellen would hide in her room.
Pat needed to make everything perfect—the dinner, the table, the house, the kitchen, herself—all the external signs that life was under control. But something always seemed wrong, and Pat’s husband would fly into a rage, leaving her frazzled and trying even harder to make things perfect.
Eileen was always cheerful and helpful. She always went the extra mile delivering meals to sick friends, watching her friend’s kids, or walking her neighbor’s dog. She never complained, but when she needed help, she never felt like she could ask.
What is People-Pleasing Syndrome?
You might be wondering what People-Pleasing Syndrome is. It’s a tendency to prioritize others’ needs and desires over one’s own, often discounting or ignoring one’s own needs in favor of others’.
Why Do You Have People-Pleasing Tendencies?
There are various reasons for people-pleasing behaviors.
People-pleasing develops from both nature and nurture factors. If you grew up in an environment where your needs were ignored, you might have learned to focus on other people’s needs ahead of your own, like Ellen above. She is high on the temperament scale and is predisposed to seek social approval and avoid conflict.
You may have been rewarded for being “good” and compliant as a child, and these behaviors may have continued into adulthood, where you seek approval and avoid punishment.
People-pleasers can use their behavior to control their environment, believing that keeping others happy will prevent conflict or negative outcomes, such as Eileen’s above. Her home environment thrived on conformity, obedience, and harmony; she internalized those behaviors. Pat’s behavior of controlling her environment came at a very high price.
Fear of rejection or criticism can drive people to put others’ desires before their own.
Another reason is a desire for approval from others, which boosts their own sense of self-worth.
People pleasing can also be tied to low self-esteem, so pleasers seek validation from others to feel worthy and accepted.
Recognizing the people-pleasing tendency can help you to avoid falling into the trap.
How I Became a People Pleaser
My mother was a perfectionist. She couldn’t leave the house without it being in perfect condition. We were embarrassingly late on many occasions because she had to clean everything before we could leave. Our family friends invited us to arrive 1-2 hours ahead of other guests to get us there on time. (Thinking back, I’m surprised they kept inviting us!)
This led to many fights between my parents and made our house very stressful.
Now, I try to avoid conflicts. This has led to me suppressing my own feelings so that I don’t upset the apple cart.
I have learned to view the situation I used to view as a “fight” as a discussion instead. I use a calm tone of voice when discussing “hot” topics. Also, I take the time to discern my feelings about the topic so they are clear. I have learned that it takes me a while to tap into my feelings and express them honestly. I now give myself that time.
Where does people-pleasing show up in your life? Reflect on that and write in your journal to identify your people-pleasing behaviors. Also, consider where saying no and setting boundaries in your relationships can strengthen them and improve your personal well-being.
Coming Up
Next week, I will pull the covers back and disclose hidden signs that you might be a people-pleaser.
If this week’s article struck a chord, please forward it to friends or family members suffering from people-pleasing syndrome. By increasing your AWARENESS, you can make the changes necessary to do things differently and change the dynamics of your situation.