Imagine a life where you confidently say “no” without guilt. These practical steps will guide you to break free from people-pleasing and reclaim your personal power.

Last week, I discussed people-pleasing as a spectrum. Everyone falls somewhere on that line. When you get too far to one end, there can be significant and far-reaching effects of people pleasing on mental health. 

Some of the signs that you suffer from advanced people-pleasing are anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, burnout, resentment, boundary issues, difficulty in decision-making, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism. It can lead you to develop codependent relationships, eating disorders, or substance abuse as you attempt to cope with emotional stress, panic attacks, and social anxiety. 

The main lesson is to pay attention to your thoughts and actions so that you are AWARE of when people-pleasing strikes.

The key is to recognize what triggers your people-pleasing behavior so you’ll know when you’re most vulnerable to falling into that pattern. By being aware of your triggers, you can recognize situations and be prepared to respond in more positive and constructive ways. 

Some of the most noted triggers that set off people-pleasing behavior are:

1. Major life transitions which can increase insecurity and people-pleasing tendencies
2. Perfectionism: the need to be seen as perfect in others’ eyes
3. Past trauma where people pleasing became the coping mechanism
4. Guilt and feeling responsible for others’ happiness or well-being
5. Family gatherings where you feel pressured to meet family expectations or maintain harmony
6. Requests for help because you have difficulty turning people down
7. Conflict situations because you want to avoid conflict
8. Criticism or perceived disapproval for fear of being judged negatively.

Think about these triggers. Which ones fit you? Are there other things that set you off? Awareness is key. Below are three strategies for overcoming the draw of people-pleasing.

The Foundation of Change: Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be challenging. You don’t want to turn people down, seem rude, or a curmudgeon, but you want to stand by your standards. Boundaries are critical. Once you are clear on your boundaries, you can establish clear boundaries with others.

When GPS first became popular, you had to purchase one because they didn’t come in cars.  My husband and I were invited to an event in the East Bay. I programmed the GPS, and off we went. However, after we crossed the Bay Bridge, the sky got cloudy, and the GPS did not get its signal, and the connection was lost. My husband was livid. Why hadn’t I printed out the directions? What was I thinking? The whole event was traumatic for me. 

After that experience, I created clear boundaries: no events in the East Bay. Typing it here does seem ridiculous and limiting, but I hated conflict, and I saw the easiest way to avoid conflict was to avoid the East Bay. 

When we were invited to future East Bay events, I simply declined. It was a clear boundary. 

I am a morning person. I like to be in bed by 9 p.m. to read my book before I go to sleep. When I get invited to late-night activities, I have a clear boundary that I use to make my decision. I can be flexible if I so choose, and I have my standards. 

When you know how you want to lead your life, you can make better decisions easier. 

I choose to be around people with positive energy. I limit my exposure if someone has negative energy because it is very draining. By being aware, I can choose to spend time with those whose energy flows are similar to mine and don’t drain me. 

Being conscious of your boundaries will help you make decisions and keep you from situations that trigger your people-pleasing tendencies.

The Power of No

Just two letters but such a powerful word: NO. It is a complete sentence. You can rephrase it if it makes you uncomfortable– no, thank you. No, that doesn’t fit my schedule. No, I’m not going in that direction. 

Often, guilt is associated with saying no. I know. I get it ALL THE TIME—the whole guilt trip thing. And worse than that, I was raised in a household where that was a card that was often played, and I hear myself using it as well. (OUCH!!) So, recognizing the guilt associated with a NO and releasing it is important. 

Prioritizing Self-Care

It is natural for women to prioritize others, especially as moms. Learning to prioritize yourself is critical. Taking the time for self-care lets others, and YOU know you are important. You have to value yourself before others will value you. 

Those three strategies for overcoming people-pleasing will get you on the right track. It’s not easy, and it’s not a once-and-done. Some things that will help include building a support system, starting with small changes and increasing over time, celebrating small wins along the way, accepting that setbacks happen and the key (again) is AWARENESS, and keeping moving forward. As you create new habits and routines, regularly self-assess and make adjustments where needed. 

This five-part series will conclude next week when I discuss turning people-pleasing habits into empowering actions. 

Keep building your awareness muscle of people-pleasing tendencies. Remember to add loving kindness when you hear that negative voice in your head. It is the fear talking to you, and the antidote to fear is gratitude. 

In the meantime, please join my Facebook Group. Here is the link.

Here is an exercise for this week:

Trigger and Boundary Exercise:

1. Reflect on your past week. List 3 situations where you felt compelled to people-please.
2. For each situation, answer:
   • What was the trigger?
   • How did it make you feel?
   • What did you do?
3. Now, imagine each situation again. Write down:
   • A boundary you could set
   • A respectful way to say ‘no’
   • One act of self-care you could practice instead
4. Choose one situation to focus on. Commit to applying your new boundary, ‘no’ statement, or self-care act when a similar situation arises.
5. At the end of next week, reflect on how it went. What worked? What didn’t? How did it feel?

Remember, change takes time. Be patient and kind to yourself as you practice these new skills.