A couple was sitting in their old truck driving down the road. The woman, sitting by her window, sighed deeply. Her husband, a man of few words, asked what was up. She said, “When we were younger, we used to sit next to each other in the truck.” He glanced over at her and said, “I haven’t moved.”

It was a very astute observation. Over the years, you have been so busy trying to survive the insanity that exists now in raising kids–driving them to multiple activities after school, from sports to tutors to ortho appointments and more. It seems relentless, especially when you have multiple kids. Even when you have twins, they are often on different tracks.

It’s exhausting just keeping all the various schedules straight. It’s a good thing you got that Ph.D. in Logistics Management! (You got that, right?) (Learn by doing!)

When you fall into bed at night, you are completely exhausted.

How can you have an adult conversation? How can you stay emotionally connected to your partner?

Not possible.

Changing Patterns

SWOOOOOSH!!!!!!

There goes 20 years.

No adult conversations happened. You were all in survival mode.

And now the kids are gone. How do you start the conversations?

It’s difficult. After all, you’ve old communication patterns that probably aren’t functional because you were in survival mode. You weren’t watching out for each other’s feelings and emotions. You might have missed a lot of cues and clues to what was going on. Some things probably got swept under the carpet, and now you are trying to figure out what those weird lumps are under the rug.

Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. It’s time to discuss uncomfortable topics and make them comfortable or at least normalized. It’s time to focus on each other and be sensitive to your partner’s needs and desires. One way is to commit to the conversation even though it’s hard.

To rebuild the connection with your partner, know these things:

1. It takes time.
2. It takes commitment.
3. It takes tenacity.
4. It takes a willingness to be vulnerable.
5. It takes practice.

That’s a LOT of taking. What do you GIVE?

1. You give your attention.
2. You give your active listening skills.
3. You give your feelings and needs.
4. You give freedom from assumptions.
5. You give time and space.

Active listening is critical to the success of the conversation. Maintaining eye contact, nodding, and summarizing the other person’s words are keys. Using “I” statements is vital so you don’t sound accusatory. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand.

Here are two ideas you can try:

1. Establish a daily check-in. It can be 10 or 15 minutes, over your morning coffee together or at night before bed. Talk about how your day went, the highs and lows. Listen without interrupting. Then, ask questions to show that you heard and are interested.
2. Establish a date night that is non-negotiable. You can talk about your dreams, hopes, fears, etc. Make it a “deep dive date.”

Gunnar and I have been riding a roller coaster since the kids left. It’s been work. The one good thing is that we keep the conversation going. We talk about hard things (like sex— more in a later blog). We still have a way to go before we get to smooth sailing (is that even a thing in a marriage?)

If you are wondering if all the work is worth it– only you can answer that question. You need to decide what it is you truly desire in your one and only precious life. (Mary Oliver) That is why committing to the conversation is a good start. And as I mentioned last week, if the old relationship wasn’t working, you can end that and start again with the same person. Get to know each other as you are today. Recommit to the “new” version of you.

Next week, I will cover shared interests, and then the big Romance and Intimacy issue will be the following week. Stay tuned for more.

If you have friends or family interested in reading this, please forward it. You can sign up to get on my mailing list here.

Also, I am leading a workshop on Saturday, September 7, 2024, in (NEW LOCATION!!!) San Francisco, CA. The title is: “Align Your Actions with Your Purpose.” I am doing the workshop in conjunction with Audrey Bjorklund, who will lead the Caco ceremony and play the singing bowls for us. This will help you to take the right steps for the rest of 2024. Then, on Saturday, January 4, 2025, the annual planning workshop for 2025 will take place. Mark your calendar now!

Here’s the information for the September 7 workshop:

Are you standing at the threshold of your empty nest, wondering, “What’s next for me?”

After years of defining yourself through motherhood, it’s easy to feel lost or unsure about your purpose. But this new chapter isn’t an ending– it’s your opportunity to rediscover and reinvent yourself. “Align Your Purpose with Your Actions” is a transformative one-day workshop designed to help you uncover your true calling and create a roadmap for ta fulfilling future. Through a blend of introspective exercises, group support, and unique experiences like our opening cacao ceremony, you’ll tap into your inner wisdom and unlock your potential.

You’ll leave with clarity about your purpose, practical tools to overcome obstacles, and an action plan to create the life you’ve always dreamed of. Don’t let another year slip by feeling unfulfilled. It’s time to align your purpose with your actions and step boldly into your next chapter.

Join us on September 7 to begin your journey of rediscovery and purposeful living. Spaces are limited to ensure an intimate, supportive experience.

Lunch is included in the price. Here is the link to register.