You might think you’re just being nice, but are your kind gestures masking a deeper issue? Discover the subtle signs that reveal a people-pleaser in disguise.

When I asked my daughter if she thought she was a people-pleaser, she asked me what a people-pleaser is. This is a great question because our culture tends to reward those who are agreeable and accommodating, and those who demand their own way stand out.

“Demand their own way” is also known as asking for what you want. This is the heart of clear communication. But how many times, growing up, did you ask for what you wanted and get turned down? Or worse yet, you were never asked for your opinion, felt invisible, and your needs were never met? Too many of us.

So many times, I wanted to ask for what I wanted but was afraid of being perceived as selfish or demanding when I knew that the “right” thing was to be accommodating and congenial. I grew up letting others go first and never taking the biggest piece of the pie, even though I wanted it. 

And look where this has gotten me: people-pleaser syndrome. Holy guacamole. Time for a refresh. 

What are the rewards of being a people pleaser:

• Receive validation from others to feel worthy and accepted
• Avoid being rejected or criticized by prioritizing other people’s needs over your own
• Keeping others happy to prevent conflict or negative outcomes
• Reinforces your image of yourself as kind, helpful, generous
• More sensitive to others’ needs
• See people-pleasing as a virtue
• Keep peace within the family
• Bolster job security
• Strategy to gain favour
• Group Harmony

What does people-pleasing COST you?

• Your own needs and desires are downplayed for others’ needs
• You live in fear of rejection or criticism
• You have low self-esteem
• You have a strong desire for approval from others
• You do everything you can to avoid conflict
• You feel pressure to conform where you might not want to 
• You feel a strong desire to help and support others at the cost of your own needs
• You believe being perfect will cure everything
• You feel guilty when you don’t meet others’ expectations or needs. 
• You feel guilty for setting boundaries
• You over apologize
• You avoid conflict

You can see why people-pleasing sounds good on the surface, but the toll it takes on a person is severe. The goal is to ask for what you want without feeling guilty, demanding, or like a prima donna. It’s a sign of a healthy person.

For me, internalizing all the emotions I wanted to express but didn’t because I didn’t want to upset the boat led to colon cancer. It’s an internal manifestation of my desire. I don’t recommend it. 

I recommend developing a mindfulness practice to become more self-aware of these subtle behaviors. In the previous post, you identified your people-pleasing behaviors. Continue to journal about where people-pleasing shows up for you. 

As a new practice, I want you to start a “NO” challenge. Commit to saying no to one request daily for a week, and journal how this feels for you. Remember to do it at least once a day! 

As usual, if you have friends or family members who might benefit from this 5-part people-pleasing series, please share this with them.

The biggest shift is to become AWARE of the behavior because you can’t change what you aren’t aware of in the first place! 

Change is possible! Start with small steps implemented each and every day. Just like compounding interest, you will see big shifts over time.