A 2019 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that around 20% of people could be classified as “people pleasers” based on their tendency to agree with others, even when they disagree internally.

Research from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that women are more likely than men to engage in people-pleasing behaviors. Some estimates indicate that women are twice as likely as men to be people-pleasers.

The desire to please others might seem harmless, but it can take a severe toll on your mental health. Let’s explore the emotional consequences of always putting others first. 

Understanding the Spectrum of People-Pleasing

First, recognize that people-pleasing, the habit of prioritizing other people’s demands over your own needs, runs on a spectrum. There is a healthy amount of being kind and helping others in need. It only becomes a problem when you sublimate your own needs and desires for others on an extreme level. 

It’s like eating. A healthy amount of eating is necessary for survival, and there are two extremes, in both directions, that take you off balance. You can eat too much or too little. 

With people pleasing, you can care too little about others and be completely wrapped up in yourself and your own needs and desires to the level of a narcissist. Or you can give so much that you become depleted, exhausted, and overwhelmed. 

Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser

If you constantly worry about others’ opinions and reactions or overcommit yourself, leading to time pressure and overwhelm, or are constantly afraid of disappointing others, you could be on the extreme end of people-pleasing. 

The Hidden Costs of Excessive Giving

The thing is, you WANT to be helpful. You want to be of service to your friends and family. But you don’t realize the toll it’s taking on you regarding the quality of your life, the stress, and the overwhelm you deal with regularly. Nor do you account for how your own dreams and desires are constantly pushed to the back burner to meet other people’s needs. This leads to you feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. 

Loss of Self and Self-Worth

Also, when you constantly suppress your own desires for others, you can lose your sense of self and personal identity. If you’re unable to meet others’ expectations, you feel worthless. 

If you base your self-worth on others’ approval, it’s hard to recognize all that you have achieved. Your mind can become filled with negative self-talk and self-criticism. 

The Path to Burnout and Resentment

This can lead to burnout and an overall loss of motivation and enthusiasm, which can lead to resentment and bitterness about sacrificing your personal goals for the needs and desires of others. 

The Ripple Effects: Boundaries, Decision-Making, and Imposter Syndrome

When the pendulum of people-pleasing has swung too far to the extreme end, you might notice boundary issues and difficulty making decisions out of fear of disappointing others. This is a time when imposter syndrome creeps in. You feel like a fraud because you constantly perform for others and have difficulty accepting praise or recognition. 

This can also manifest as perfectionism, with unrealistic expectations, a fear of being judged, and too-high standards. 

For women, as they enter into a time of transition, such as the empty nest phase, retirement, or a job change, people-pleasing tendencies can be intensified. You have lost your daily routine and need to feel needed, which may lead to excessive people-pleasing. You may take on too much in other areas of your life to compensate for the shift in another area. You might feel “irrelevant,” which can lead to overcompensating because of people pleasing. You might also adapt people-pleasing as a coping mechanism during the transition period, which can lead to emotional upheaval.

Also, women have other reasons for pleasing others. Women of a certain generation have particular expectations, as we were raised to be agreeable, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. Cultural or religious influences also emphasize women’s role as self-sacrificing. We might also have deeply internalized beliefs that make people-pleasing symptoms difficult to recognize. 

The Mental Health Impact

People-pleasing can have a huge impact on your mental health and can be very serious. 

Taking the First Step: Awareness

The first step to changing the situation is AWARENESS. 

You must be aware of the situation before you can change it. Pay attention to the signs and signals that you might be too far down the spectrum of people-pleasing. Keep a log of situations where you might have given too much or were frustrated. Think about what led you to those feelings. 

Moving Forward: Breaking Free

Once you are AWARE that you tend to give too much and aren’t taking care of yourself, you can make changes. Next week’s blog will cover steps to break free of people-pleasing behavior. Stay tuned!

And remember, people-pleasing is a spectrum, and you could be in the middle range. Take the quiz below to find out more. 

Your Homework: Identifying Feelings

In the meantime, focus on identifying your feelings in different situations each day. One of the major issues with people-pleasers is that they don’t identify how they are feeling. By focusing on this and learning to identify your feelings, you will get a head start on changing your behavior to support you. 

Wondering where you stand on the people-pleasing spectrum? Take this short quiz to get an idea. 

Here’s a short quiz you could include in your blog post. Simply check the box if your answer to the question is yes, and add the checks at the end. 

• Do you often say “yes” to requests even when you want to say “no”?
• Is it difficult for you to disagree with others, even with a different opinion?
• Do you frequently put others’ needs before your own, even at the cost of your well-being?
• Do you feel guilty or anxious when you reject a request or favor?
• Are you often praised for being “nice” or “helpful” but feel stressed or resentful inside?
• Do you avoid conflict at all costs, even if it means suppressing your own feelings?
• Is it hard for you to make decisions without first considering how others might react?
• Do you often apologize for things that aren’t your fault?
• Do you feel responsible for others’ feelings or problems?
• Is it difficult for you to accept compliments or recognition for your achievements?

Scoring: 

0-3 Yes answers: You likely have a healthy balance of considering others while maintaining your own boundaries. 

4-7 Yes answers: You may have moderate people-pleasing tendencies. It might be helpful to work on setting boundaries. 

8-10 Yes answers: You likely have strong people-pleasing tendencies. Consider seeking support to develop healthier patterns.

This quiz provides a starting point for self-reflection. If you are concerned about your people-pleasing behaviors, consider seeking professional help, joining a support group, or working with a coach.